I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Randomize
