Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
