Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
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