a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
