She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
