my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Welp...herpes.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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