i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
