they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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