I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
