I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Who put my cat in the fridge?
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
