hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
