He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
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