sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
