Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
