He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize
