My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
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