I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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