I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
