Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
