My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
