i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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