I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
