oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
