her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
