I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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