How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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