I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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