I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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