A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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