there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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