OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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