I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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