Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
