look no pants
I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
