just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Randomize
