she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
