i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Then you guys just all showered together...?
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
