remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
