im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
