DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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