Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
