you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
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