just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
