someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
