That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
