I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
