omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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