My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
