He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
