one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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