we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
