he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
