why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
