All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Randomize
