I think im going to throw up on grandma
Quick, to the slutcave!
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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