I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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