make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
